Just when I think I got this …
When I spoke to my ex on the phone recently, he took the opportunity to tell me he’d met someone new – just the week before. He was a little clumsy about how he told me, letting me know that it wouldn’t change anything for a while.
Wouldn’t change anything for a while!?
He met this woman a week ago and he’s already talking about things changing? In my mind, take a few moments, see if it’s consequential and then let me know. When I said something along those lines, he explained that he was nervous to tell me. And he didn’t want to keep it from me. Ok, that’s cool. But still!
It took a while for the news to settle in, slowly but surely creating discomfort in my body which increased through the rest of the day. It landed in my lower gut, giving rise to a round of fear waves in the middle of the night, and a mild feeling of nausea.
Despite he and I being separated, despite my clarity that our unity as a couple was in the past, I realized that I was still counting on some base of stability and security in our relationship. Groan!!
Fear! Aloneness! All that arose again.
The vulnerability I felt, the fear of not being able to BE my own security, this is what many women confront when going solo after many years in partnership. Even when one is inclined towards independence, the deeply ingrained feeling belief that a man should be there to take care of things – and of us – is one of the more difficult ones to transcend. It’s the dang fairy tale!
Sure, we might feel more secure with a partner but in some ways it’s a false security, isn’t it? First of all, nothing is absolutely certain in life. More importantly, It puts your sense of well-being in the hands of another, which has the potential to create dependency. Dependency isn’t bad; it’s just not reliable in the forever world.
This is what the Your Chapter Next project is all about, to free us from that so that we can truly experience ourselves as capable, luscious and productive. Then, any partnership we might enter in the future – if we do – is for the sharing and caring, the nurturing and the fun, not because we think we need to be taken care of. That, my friends, turns men into objects for our needs. Yes, we do that.
From Fear to Fuel
My ex’s news did light a new fire under me, and reaffirmed my intention to free myself from financial – and insurance – dependence. I also started to think about all of the small ways he and I are still financially connected, and wondered just how free I could be as long as these financial tentacles remain in place. Hmmm.
So yes, the letting go happens in phases. It’s Ok. Feel what you feel, check your belief systems, and use your pain to fuel forward movement.
~~~ What about You? ~~~
If you went through something similar, what was your experience and what did you do in response?
Are there any lingering connections between the 2 of you – other than children – that might be keeping you tethered to your ex?