When my Marriage was Done I Knew I’d have to Deal my Inner Loser

You know those not-so-little quirks, the ones others don’t necessarily notice, but blare like loud obnoxious horns in your psyche when you least expect it? I’m going to reveal one of my biggies today. If I’m alone too much, if I have no weekend plans, I have historically deemed myself a LOSER. Yes, deep in my being the loser soundtrack is playing. How and when it was installed I don’t exactly know, and it probably doesn’t matter. It only matters that I first of all recognize it, and secondly endeavor to dissolve it.

Because    it’s     not     true.
It’s a nasty ghost of a feeling that ran in the background for years, previously undetected.

When I realized my marriage was done, I knew I would have to deal with this debilitating thought-feeling. I’d lived separately from my ex husband once before, but I still had that background of security, the background of knowing ‘my person’ was out there in the world, even if 800 miles away.

In other words, not a loser!

I’m clear that I am a social creature, that I am here to connect, to be in partnership. However, I now understand that this deeply seated belief drove me to form alliances and periodically participate in activities that weren’t always healthy or satisfying.

My Reboot Year

In Looking for Home after Separation or Divorce, I talked about the “bouncy” stage, that first year after the initial separation when I was looking for a good landing spot. Even though I’d already decided to tackle that not-so-little loser feeling, I realized I couldn’t do it as long as I could easily distract myself. So I moved 25 miles away to a much sleepier town, and into a home that could fully contain me, which was critical.

fire pit

During what I’m calling my Reboot Year I am determined to let the fire of those loser feelings burn inside of me so that future connections are not driven by the compulsions they give rise to.

I’m watching my behavior more closely. I’m setting things up so that I do have more time where it’s just me with me, not like a prison sentence, more like a wellness retreat. I still enjoy time with friends, I still go to my local coffee place to work for a couple of hours most days. And my home is the safe haven where I can sit in the stew of those feelings when they arise.

Have you Carved Out Space for Your Own Reboot?

I think this is one of the most significant opportunities of the time shortly after separation, a “Reboot Year,” however long that year lasts. It’s a beautiful, important time during which a newly solo woman can uncover and dissolve the thoughts and behaviors that may have driven her to make choices that she now recognizes as less than ideal.

If you want quality relationships, you need to clear your own space first.

Today as I finish this post the remnants of influence of the new moon Scorpio, amplified by Mercury retrograde also in Scorpio, is kicking my butt,. (Hey, I live near Sedona, Arizona. The full moon is a thing, and Scorpio is about digging up the crap in the deep recesses of our consciousness, I’m told.) Regardless of the “cause,” the level of fear coursing through me these past couple of days has been, at times, excruciating.

The words I hear in my head are more specific now. They shout at me, “Who the hell do you think you are?!” It feels real and it’s ancient and it’s deep.

This arose on the heels of going public with the Your Chapter Next project and after I set an income goal that far surpasses anything I’ve earned before. She’s like a loser Medusa on steroids, but she’s not stopping me.


~~~ What about You? ~~~

Have you uncovered any deeply seated negative feelings about yourself in the wake of your separation or divorce?

Are you actively addressing them, or just hoping they will go away?

Have you taken steps to create a similar Reboot Year project? If not, do you like this idea?

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